A Quick Breakdown of My Issues

I gotta get some of this off my chest, so here goes: I have issues. A lot of 'em. I'm very fortunate to be white and able-bodied, but I also deal with a fair amount of crap.

For example, if I start eating chocolate, I can't stop. One mini Ritter Sport becomes two becomes a full size becomes whatever ice cream's in the freezer. I don't have any self-restraint whenever I'm alone. This has caused me to gain about 20 pounds in the last two months. This isn't very bad; I used to be dangerously skinny because I had no motivation to eat due to depression. However, if the trend continues, bad things could happen. So I'm working on watching myself, but my relationship with food isn't even close where I'd like it to be, which would be the stage in which I was comfortable being around chocolate.

That aside, I've also had problems with simply not being able to get out of bed. I have spent entire days just lying around, pausing occasionally to eat. I'd drift in and out of sleep, and if questioned, just say I was behind on sleep (I believe that this is a common teenage tactic). This is often accompanied by either Tetris or 2048, which is another problem completely.

In summer 2013, my favorite (and read favorite as being the only thing I could find the energy to do, yet derived no pleasure from) thing was lying in bed in the dark playing Tetris and listening to the same Eagles song over and over. I couldn't stop and I wouldn't stop until I got to a score of 100,000. I thought that once I achieved it everything would be back to normal. But no, then I had to get to 200,000, which I never managed to do. I began to see Tetriminos wherever I went, and I manipulated them with my mind while completely zoned-out to whatever else was going on.

This summer, my pastime is playing 2048, listening to Sting's greatest hits or Blue Öyster Cult's discography and occasionally the very best of the Eagles. I check my favorite forum, AGC, every few minutes to make sure nothing happens. (Off to check right now just thinking about it. Alas, nothing new since I was there ten minutes ago.) Sometimes I'll be able to write a paragraph or two of fiction, but I don't usually have the inspiration to continue beyond that. The issue now is that I have the system to beating 2048 down, and I have beat it many, many times - but I never seem to create an elusive 4096 tile. Yet I will try, playing probably at least 70 games a day. Maybe one day I'll keep track. (Edited: I actually just made a coveted 4096, but there's no end to the madness in sight.) I recently discovered the niche genre of trans fiction, and currently have nine books in the queue on my desk. It's therapeutic in a way, but books are also said to be good for transporting one to another world - these books only reinforce my struggles, so there is no escape to be found. It can also be amusing how outdated some of the language is, but I don't fixate upon that.

On top of the dysphoria and depression (which are bad enough on their own), my doctor also thinks it quite likely that I have an anxiety disorder. Although I'm not sure, it does seem consistent with my behaviors. We'll see what happens on that front.

Edited 11:30 pm - I totally forgot the anger management issues! If someone says something that seriously pisses me off, I have no problem handing their ass to them, which is not always the best idea. I have gotten in big trouble at school for talking back to teachers while raging and have made some terrible decisions regarding my classmates as well. For some reason, I can't let incidents that humiliated me (no matter how long ago) go, and the anger episodes are among my most embarrassing moments. So I will not be posting about them, though if you're really curious, you can email as I have been told that some of them can be seen as pretty humorous.

I've probably forgotten something. Oh well, if I remember more I can certainly make a Part 2 later on!

-Matt