Well, after seven months of believing myself to be male at heart, I have finally been disillusioned. See, I'm not comfortable anymore being called "he" or "Matthias" or wearing a chest binder. Believe me, I'm aware that I've fucked up big time. I'm still a very masculine person, but I'm content now with simply being a butch lesbian.
This is going to get TMI and probably uncomfortable for everyone real fast, so be thankful that I warned you now. I think I started piecing everything together when I saw some guys on Tumblr ranting about their periods and how dysphoric and horrible they are for them. Oh, I hate periods too, and can't wait to get something to get rid of them. But they're merely a nuisance, and I only detest them for the cramps and migraines. They don't invalidate my identity or anything. And, let's face it, they're kinda gross as well, but I'm not like super repulsed by them like so many trans guys seem to be.
Plus, I love my figure, or at least I loved the way I looked before I started putting on weight (weight that will probably more or less come off now that I no longer want a pudgy stomach). When I do my hair right*, I think I look sexy. Presenting as male, I look like a teenaged asshole. And yeah, I may be a teenaged asshole, but I want people to come to that conclusion through actually talking to me, not through being subjected to my appearance. I put on women's jeans today and I looked fabulous. That's who I want to be. I can still wear polos and ridiculously large khaki shorts, yet enjoy the occasional dress. It ain't the end of the world.
You might also be wondering why I identify now as a lesbian rather than pansexual. I think of myself as a Kinsey Scale 5, aesthetically and sexually attracted to all genders but only romantically attracted to women. I could see myself hooking up with men, but my game plan for a long while now has been to settle down with the woman of my dreams. Each time I've really fallen for someone, she's been a woman; I think there are hot men out there, but I'm just not interested in dating them.
And let's face it, I'm a hormonal teenager, I desperately want a girlfriend, and I figure that's much more attainable as a heavily masculine girl.
In terms of the future, I think it'll also be much, much easier to achieve what I need to as a woman than a trans guy. That's not to say that any of this is a conscious choice, because it's not - I'm just posting all of this in order to better justify it (the choice to live as female again) to myself.
I'm still going to go by the name Matt, because Madeleine (given name) is still far too feminine for my tastes. Hopefully this doesn't fuck with y'all too much. Thanks for reading!
-Matt
* - because in all honesty, I look like a huge dork if I let my hair be.
Tuesday 16 September 2014
Sunday 14 September 2014
The Future and Not Knowing
I enjoy being prepared. I overpack for everything, from regular days at school to field trips to family vacations. (Consequently, I've become quite good at carrying heavy loads, but that's beside the point.) I do my very best to meticulously plan every little aspect of my life, years before it could possibly be relevant. Sometimes these plans make my life a little bit easier; sometimes I fixate over them for days on end and they just wind up frustrating me. There are questions that I need to answer in order to plan accordingly, yet can't just yet. Below are those questions and my current thoughts on them.
Do I want a life partner? I used to think absolutely yes, for it'd be wonderful to always have someone there for me. But then I began to question who on earth would have me. I'm bossy, temperamental, and independent. I have never had a friend that I haven't argued all the time with. I'm also a self-proclaimed misanthrope. I don't generally get along with people that have even slightly different political ideologies, and it'd be impossible for me to simply ignore that person's views because politics is such a big part of my life. Then there's sex. Am I ever going to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough with my body to partake in it? Ugh, who knows.
Do I want children? I've gone back and forth on this one countless times. On the one hand, children are adorable, and I'd like to be able to teach someone about the ways of the world. But on the other hand, I think I'd make a lousy parent. Between the anger issues, staunch views, and cursing (because I honestly swear upwards of a hundred times a day), I think I'd find a way to fuck them up pretty early on. I don't think I'd be able to say no to the small things (extra dessert, blowing off chores, etc) but say no way too much to the important things, like playing with them. I'm fairly career-focused, which could easily mean lots of business trips. Though all in all, my greatest fear would be that they turn into me: reclusive and reliant on the internet for their education. I wouldn't want to be a helicopter parent, because I know how obnoxious those can be, but I wouldn't know how much independence is enough. I was left alone in my room for much of my childhood, and as a result, was watching porn and reading smut at age nine, among other things. Basically, I was fucking miserable, and no one noticed anything wrong until I was thirteen. I also wouldn't want to have to tell them about how fucking horrible the world is and don't want them to inherit such a screwed up planet! If I had a white boy, he'd grow up privileged and horrible unless I found a way to put my foot down. It'd also be hard to get them in the first place. I know that this is basically incoherent, so the TL;DR is that I'm a jerk unfit to raise children anyway.
What the hell is my gender? I don't know. I'm certain that I'm not a cis girl, but I don't know if I'm a trans guy or something else. I *think* I'm non-binary leaning male, so transmasculine, but I'm not sure. It's confusing as hell and I hate not knowing, but I suppose I'll have to live with it for now.
What am I doing here? I used to want to pursue the most lucrative career possible (which in the US is a doctor, specifically an anesthesiologist), then realized that wouldn't bring me anything except money. That led me to wanting to join MSF, which is why I'm studying French now, despite losing interest in the job. Then I wanted to be a bureaucrat, because I figured that was the best way for me to help people. Debating and writing are both in my nature, so I thought it'd be easy enough. However, the government shut down and disillusioned me shortly thereafter. Now I'm fairly set on working for the UN, but I could see myself working for a non-profit of some sort. I just want to improve lives without developing the white savior mindset.
Where will I go? Canada was my ultimate goal for a long time because I think the US is so fundamentally fucked up that it'll take a revolution to change anything. But Canada is...small, at least politically. I was interested in living in New York City or Boston for a while, but I just don't know that they'd be right. Now, I'm pretty sure I'll wind up in either Oregon, Washington, or the SF Bay Area, but that could very well change in the next five years. The one thing I do know is that there's no way in hell that I'll remain in the South. The sheer thought of staying here makes me feel down.
How long do I have left? I've gotta plan around this, but I don't know. I figure that if I become any sort of public figure, I haven't got a shot at lasting past 50, and I'm honestly okay with that. It just means that I have to motivate now and get shit done while I can. Without appropriate treatment for my problems, I'll probably be dead by 30, but I doubt it'll come to that. However, my habits'll probably leave me deaf (or at the least hard of hearing) soon enough. With an average life, I think I'd survive to 70, which is a decent lifespan. Eh, whatever, only time will tell what happens.
Do I want a life partner? I used to think absolutely yes, for it'd be wonderful to always have someone there for me. But then I began to question who on earth would have me. I'm bossy, temperamental, and independent. I have never had a friend that I haven't argued all the time with. I'm also a self-proclaimed misanthrope. I don't generally get along with people that have even slightly different political ideologies, and it'd be impossible for me to simply ignore that person's views because politics is such a big part of my life. Then there's sex. Am I ever going to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough with my body to partake in it? Ugh, who knows.
Do I want children? I've gone back and forth on this one countless times. On the one hand, children are adorable, and I'd like to be able to teach someone about the ways of the world. But on the other hand, I think I'd make a lousy parent. Between the anger issues, staunch views, and cursing (because I honestly swear upwards of a hundred times a day), I think I'd find a way to fuck them up pretty early on. I don't think I'd be able to say no to the small things (extra dessert, blowing off chores, etc) but say no way too much to the important things, like playing with them. I'm fairly career-focused, which could easily mean lots of business trips. Though all in all, my greatest fear would be that they turn into me: reclusive and reliant on the internet for their education. I wouldn't want to be a helicopter parent, because I know how obnoxious those can be, but I wouldn't know how much independence is enough. I was left alone in my room for much of my childhood, and as a result, was watching porn and reading smut at age nine, among other things. Basically, I was fucking miserable, and no one noticed anything wrong until I was thirteen. I also wouldn't want to have to tell them about how fucking horrible the world is and don't want them to inherit such a screwed up planet! If I had a white boy, he'd grow up privileged and horrible unless I found a way to put my foot down. It'd also be hard to get them in the first place. I know that this is basically incoherent, so the TL;DR is that I'm a jerk unfit to raise children anyway.
What the hell is my gender? I don't know. I'm certain that I'm not a cis girl, but I don't know if I'm a trans guy or something else. I *think* I'm non-binary leaning male, so transmasculine, but I'm not sure. It's confusing as hell and I hate not knowing, but I suppose I'll have to live with it for now.
What am I doing here? I used to want to pursue the most lucrative career possible (which in the US is a doctor, specifically an anesthesiologist), then realized that wouldn't bring me anything except money. That led me to wanting to join MSF, which is why I'm studying French now, despite losing interest in the job. Then I wanted to be a bureaucrat, because I figured that was the best way for me to help people. Debating and writing are both in my nature, so I thought it'd be easy enough. However, the government shut down and disillusioned me shortly thereafter. Now I'm fairly set on working for the UN, but I could see myself working for a non-profit of some sort. I just want to improve lives without developing the white savior mindset.
Where will I go? Canada was my ultimate goal for a long time because I think the US is so fundamentally fucked up that it'll take a revolution to change anything. But Canada is...small, at least politically. I was interested in living in New York City or Boston for a while, but I just don't know that they'd be right. Now, I'm pretty sure I'll wind up in either Oregon, Washington, or the SF Bay Area, but that could very well change in the next five years. The one thing I do know is that there's no way in hell that I'll remain in the South. The sheer thought of staying here makes me feel down.
How long do I have left? I've gotta plan around this, but I don't know. I figure that if I become any sort of public figure, I haven't got a shot at lasting past 50, and I'm honestly okay with that. It just means that I have to motivate now and get shit done while I can. Without appropriate treatment for my problems, I'll probably be dead by 30, but I doubt it'll come to that. However, my habits'll probably leave me deaf (or at the least hard of hearing) soon enough. With an average life, I think I'd survive to 70, which is a decent lifespan. Eh, whatever, only time will tell what happens.
Thursday 11 September 2014
Well, here goes.
I managed to go nine whole days at school without blowing up. That's pretty damn good given my track record! I've been called [given name] more times than I can remember as well as generally disrespected, but I deal with it. I am a pretty awesome creature, if I do say so myself. And I know that doesn't sound very modest at all, but please know that it wasn't always that way. I am proud to love myself, because I used to hate me. I'll leave it at that as I'll probably make an entire post on the subject at some point in the future, but just know that I'm not being obnoxious.
But anyway, back on topic, I lost it yesterday. We had to create "identity webs" in English with four intrinsic parts of us. Mine were as follows: liberal, queer, pessimist, and scholar. The idea was that someone else in the class would have to interview you based on your web. Well...I got paired with the only other kid in the class with my given name, which everyone immediately pointed out. She even read the slip of paper (which I put my *chosen* name on!) as given name, to the whole fucking class. So I said "fuck it," literally, and didn't say anything but that for two minutes on end. (Mind you, I said it once everyone had paired up - the teacher, to my knowledge, did not hear this.) That was just *so* fucking irritating. I also had to explain queerness to this kid, who just didn't get it the first several times through. The teacher did ask me after class if I went by [given name], which was polite enough of her, and I responded as nicely as I possibly could that I really preferred to be called Matt. The teachers are being very good about this overall - one's slipped up a few times and called me "ma'am," but immediately apologized and used "sir" instead. Another just studiously avoids using pronouns - other kids are "yes, ma'am?" and "yes, sir?", well, I'm "yes, Matt?" Works for me, though I think he'll come around.
and...the counselor called my dad last Friday to inform him that I was going by Matt at school. Sitting in his office as he made the call, well, it was the most nerve wracking situation of my life thus far. He (my dad) made it seem over the phone like everything was alright, that he just wanted me to be happy, blah blah blah. That lying bastard – as soon as I got home, I got subjected to the "well I didn't figure myself out until my twenties, there's really no need for labels" speech yet again. This happens whenever I try to have a meaningful discussion with him. He acted all resentful and whatnot, so I promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep till Saturday. Hey, it's a real easy way to get out of talking to someone after a long week.
Yesterday, I walked a mile and a half to CVS when I got home, bought a Visa gift card, and promptly spent it on a new binder from Underworks. I even paid the extra $20 to have it overnighted – my dad's out of town in San Francisco and my mom's been working late this week, so I knew this was one of the only chances I'd get. And boy, did it pay off! I feel like a fucking *god* wearing it.
I'm sure that I've managed to forget something, so I'll just include it in the next post when I get around to it.
I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly posting schedule from here on out - before school started, I really needed something to kill time and negative energy, and so this blog was born. However, I do have homework and the like in addition to a general...tiredness now, so I'm fairly well-occupied. I'm not going to abandon y'all, as there are still so many words that have to be written here. But I also don't have the time nor energy to post every two days or however often it was before.
But anyway, back on topic, I lost it yesterday. We had to create "identity webs" in English with four intrinsic parts of us. Mine were as follows: liberal, queer, pessimist, and scholar. The idea was that someone else in the class would have to interview you based on your web. Well...I got paired with the only other kid in the class with my given name, which everyone immediately pointed out. She even read the slip of paper (which I put my *chosen* name on!) as given name, to the whole fucking class. So I said "fuck it," literally, and didn't say anything but that for two minutes on end. (Mind you, I said it once everyone had paired up - the teacher, to my knowledge, did not hear this.) That was just *so* fucking irritating. I also had to explain queerness to this kid, who just didn't get it the first several times through. The teacher did ask me after class if I went by [given name], which was polite enough of her, and I responded as nicely as I possibly could that I really preferred to be called Matt. The teachers are being very good about this overall - one's slipped up a few times and called me "ma'am," but immediately apologized and used "sir" instead. Another just studiously avoids using pronouns - other kids are "yes, ma'am?" and "yes, sir?", well, I'm "yes, Matt?" Works for me, though I think he'll come around.
and...the counselor called my dad last Friday to inform him that I was going by Matt at school. Sitting in his office as he made the call, well, it was the most nerve wracking situation of my life thus far. He (my dad) made it seem over the phone like everything was alright, that he just wanted me to be happy, blah blah blah. That lying bastard – as soon as I got home, I got subjected to the "well I didn't figure myself out until my twenties, there's really no need for labels" speech yet again. This happens whenever I try to have a meaningful discussion with him. He acted all resentful and whatnot, so I promptly fell asleep and stayed asleep till Saturday. Hey, it's a real easy way to get out of talking to someone after a long week.
Yesterday, I walked a mile and a half to CVS when I got home, bought a Visa gift card, and promptly spent it on a new binder from Underworks. I even paid the extra $20 to have it overnighted – my dad's out of town in San Francisco and my mom's been working late this week, so I knew this was one of the only chances I'd get. And boy, did it pay off! I feel like a fucking *god* wearing it.
I'm sure that I've managed to forget something, so I'll just include it in the next post when I get around to it.
I'm going to try to adhere to a weekly posting schedule from here on out - before school started, I really needed something to kill time and negative energy, and so this blog was born. However, I do have homework and the like in addition to a general...tiredness now, so I'm fairly well-occupied. I'm not going to abandon y'all, as there are still so many words that have to be written here. But I also don't have the time nor energy to post every two days or however often it was before.
Monday 8 September 2014
Random thoughts and such shit
I know I haven't posted in a while, and I have a totally valid reason: I didn't feel like it. Anyway, school started, and things are alright. My teachers are all using the right pronouns for me, and correct themselves when they slip up. The majority of my classmates are still using the wrong name/pronouns, but they're gradually improving. I've only been called a slur once and I handed that kid's ass to him. At this point, my peers try their best not to offend me* because they don't want to have to hear the subsequent rant I give when they do.
Also, my counselor informed me on Friday morning (so, after three days of school) that my teachers already believe that I belong on a college campus. I'm not particularly surprised, but it's always nice to hear that!
I ordered a couple of binders a few weeks ago and they were too tight; I physically couldn't breathe, so I sent them back. I have yet to decide when to order a replacement.
Yesterday was my fourteenth birthday. It was an okay day, meaning that it wasn't great but also not as bad as I expected. My mother baked a "festival of sweets," meaning brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and bars made of graham cracker crumbs, sweetened condensed milk, peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, and coconut. I'm currently gorging on all three. My dolls are also rockin' some new outfits.
My best friend and I are tackling the French Harry Potter books. Yes, they're challenging, but they're also quite rewarding. (This is only a few pages in, mind you.) I've read the English Harry Potters enough to know when I'm fucking up the translation.
Well, that's all I can think of to say at the moment. Honestly, this whole transition thing is making me exhausted. The only things getting me through are dolls, Friendship is Magic, my internet pals, and geometry homework.
* - no, I don't chew them out for misgendering me. That's just a bad idea. They get "the rant" for racist/ableist/misogynistic/homophobic/transphobic/anti-Semetic/rape jokes and that kind of shit.
Also, my counselor informed me on Friday morning (so, after three days of school) that my teachers already believe that I belong on a college campus. I'm not particularly surprised, but it's always nice to hear that!
I ordered a couple of binders a few weeks ago and they were too tight; I physically couldn't breathe, so I sent them back. I have yet to decide when to order a replacement.
Yesterday was my fourteenth birthday. It was an okay day, meaning that it wasn't great but also not as bad as I expected. My mother baked a "festival of sweets," meaning brownies, chocolate chip cookies, and bars made of graham cracker crumbs, sweetened condensed milk, peanut butter chips, chocolate chips, and coconut. I'm currently gorging on all three. My dolls are also rockin' some new outfits.
My best friend and I are tackling the French Harry Potter books. Yes, they're challenging, but they're also quite rewarding. (This is only a few pages in, mind you.) I've read the English Harry Potters enough to know when I'm fucking up the translation.
Well, that's all I can think of to say at the moment. Honestly, this whole transition thing is making me exhausted. The only things getting me through are dolls, Friendship is Magic, my internet pals, and geometry homework.
* - no, I don't chew them out for misgendering me. That's just a bad idea. They get "the rant" for racist/ableist/misogynistic/homophobic/transphobic/anti-Semetic/rape jokes and that kind of shit.
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