Well, after seven months of believing myself to be male at heart, I have finally been disillusioned. See, I'm not comfortable anymore being called "he" or "Matthias" or wearing a chest binder. Believe me, I'm aware that I've fucked up big time. I'm still a very masculine person, but I'm content now with simply being a butch lesbian.
This is going to get TMI and probably uncomfortable for everyone real fast, so be thankful that I warned you now. I think I started piecing everything together when I saw some guys on Tumblr ranting about their periods and how dysphoric and horrible they are for them. Oh, I hate periods too, and can't wait to get something to get rid of them. But they're merely a nuisance, and I only detest them for the cramps and migraines. They don't invalidate my identity or anything. And, let's face it, they're kinda gross as well, but I'm not like super repulsed by them like so many trans guys seem to be.
Plus, I love my figure, or at least I loved the way I looked before I started putting on weight (weight that will probably more or less come off now that I no longer want a pudgy stomach). When I do my hair right*, I think I look sexy. Presenting as male, I look like a teenaged asshole. And yeah, I may be a teenaged asshole, but I want people to come to that conclusion through actually talking to me, not through being subjected to my appearance. I put on women's jeans today and I looked fabulous. That's who I want to be. I can still wear polos and ridiculously large khaki shorts, yet enjoy the occasional dress. It ain't the end of the world.
You might also be wondering why I identify now as a lesbian rather than pansexual. I think of myself as a Kinsey Scale 5, aesthetically and sexually attracted to all genders but only romantically attracted to women. I could see myself hooking up with men, but my game plan for a long while now has been to settle down with the woman of my dreams. Each time I've really fallen for someone, she's been a woman; I think there are hot men out there, but I'm just not interested in dating them.
And let's face it, I'm a hormonal teenager, I desperately want a girlfriend, and I figure that's much more attainable as a heavily masculine girl.
In terms of the future, I think it'll also be much, much easier to achieve what I need to as a woman than a trans guy. That's not to say that any of this is a conscious choice, because it's not - I'm just posting all of this in order to better justify it (the choice to live as female again) to myself.
I'm still going to go by the name Matt, because Madeleine (given name) is still far too feminine for my tastes. Hopefully this doesn't fuck with y'all too much. Thanks for reading!
-Matt
* - because in all honesty, I look like a huge dork if I let my hair be.
All right--which pronouns would you like me to use? Don't feel like you have to ID as anything locked set in stone. Identity can be and often is very fluid over life.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Neth!
DeleteI'm going to go with female pronouns for now, though I might switch to neutral at some point in the future.
The good thing is that you're young and you have a lot of time to figure things out. And you're far from the first person I know who's taken a while to work out the nuances of where their gender identity and sexual orientation fall. Matt works well as a short form of your given name. --ellaweasel
ReplyDelete*hugs* Matt, you haven't fucked up. You want to be called Matt at school and you took steps to make that happen. You discovered what you are and are not comfortable with regarding your body. That is not a small thing! -- tatortotcassie
ReplyDelete