The Future and Not Knowing

I enjoy being prepared. I overpack for everything, from regular days at school to field trips to family vacations. (Consequently, I've become quite good at carrying heavy loads, but that's beside the point.) I do my very best to meticulously plan every little aspect of my life, years before it could possibly be relevant. Sometimes these plans make my life a little bit easier; sometimes I fixate over them for days on end and they just wind up frustrating me. There are questions that I need to answer in order to plan accordingly, yet can't just yet. Below are those questions and my current thoughts on them.

Do I want a life partner? I used to think absolutely yes, for it'd be wonderful to always have someone there for me. But then I began to question who on earth would have me. I'm bossy, temperamental, and independent. I have never had a friend that I haven't argued all the time with. I'm also a self-proclaimed misanthrope. I don't generally get along with people that have even slightly different political ideologies, and it'd be impossible for me to simply ignore that person's views because politics is such a big part of my life. Then there's sex. Am I ever going to reach the point where I'm comfortable enough with my body to partake in it? Ugh, who knows.

Do I want children? I've gone back and forth on this one countless times. On the one hand, children are adorable, and I'd like to be able to teach someone about the ways of the world. But on the other hand, I think I'd make a lousy parent. Between the anger issues, staunch views, and cursing (because I honestly swear upwards of a hundred times a day), I think I'd find a way to fuck them up pretty early on. I don't think I'd be able to say no to the small things (extra dessert, blowing off chores, etc) but say no way too much to the important things, like playing with them. I'm fairly career-focused, which could easily mean lots of business trips. Though all in all, my greatest fear would be that they turn into me: reclusive and reliant on the internet for their education. I wouldn't want to be a helicopter parent, because I know how obnoxious those can be, but I wouldn't know how much independence is enough. I was left alone in my room for much of my childhood, and as a result, was watching porn and reading smut at age nine, among other things. Basically, I was fucking miserable, and no one noticed anything wrong until I was thirteen. I also wouldn't want to have to tell them about how fucking horrible the world is and don't want them to inherit such a screwed up planet! If I had a white boy, he'd grow up privileged and horrible unless I found a way to put my foot down. It'd also be hard to get them in the first place. I know that this is basically incoherent, so the TL;DR is that I'm a jerk unfit to raise children anyway.

What the hell is my gender? I don't know. I'm certain that I'm not a cis girl, but I don't know if I'm a trans guy or something else. I *think* I'm non-binary leaning male, so transmasculine, but I'm not sure. It's confusing as hell and I hate not knowing, but I suppose I'll have to live with it for now.

What am I doing here? I used to want to pursue the most lucrative career possible (which in the US is a doctor, specifically an anesthesiologist), then realized that wouldn't bring me anything except money. That led me to wanting to join MSF, which is why I'm studying French now, despite losing interest in the job. Then I wanted to be a bureaucrat, because I figured that was the best way for me to help people. Debating and writing are both in my nature, so I thought it'd be easy enough. However, the government shut down and disillusioned me shortly thereafter. Now I'm fairly set on working for the UN, but I could see myself working for a non-profit of some sort. I just want to improve lives without developing the white savior mindset.

Where will I go? Canada was my ultimate goal for a long time because I think the US is so fundamentally fucked up that it'll take a revolution to change anything. But Canada is...small, at least politically. I was interested in living in New York City or Boston for a while, but I just don't know that they'd be right. Now, I'm pretty sure I'll wind up in either Oregon, Washington, or the SF Bay Area, but that could very well change in the next five years. The one thing I do know is that there's no way in hell that I'll remain in the South. The sheer thought of staying here makes me feel down.

How long do I have left? I've gotta plan around this, but I don't know. I figure that if I become any sort of public figure, I haven't got a shot at lasting past 50, and I'm honestly okay with that. It just means that I have to motivate now and get shit done while I can. Without appropriate treatment for my problems, I'll probably be dead by 30, but I doubt it'll come to that. However, my habits'll probably leave me deaf (or at the least hard of hearing) soon enough. With an average life, I think I'd survive to 70, which is a decent lifespan. Eh, whatever, only time will tell what happens.